PS - I love you

I read a really interesting article the other day about mother / daughter relationships …the woman you love to hate… or something like that. Can’t remember the exact title but I’m sure you can get the gist of it. We love our mom’s in our mid-20’s onwards and hate them with equal intensity in our teens. Natural order of things…and not one of my many idiosyncrasies…

New beginnings….
I want to write about my mom, aka, affectionately called manna (from heaven) by friends and family. She’s just about to embark on a journey, a journey that’s taken a lot of courage, fortitude and kamikaze instincts to persue. No, she’s not having a baby girl; my mum is going back to college! The clocks ticking, she’s starting her masters in Women’s studies at Rice University in the US of A on the 4th of January 2010. One small step for mom and a giant leap for mother kind in their mid-50’s. Life’s not over mommies, its just beginning! You can be who you want to be, when you want and where you want to be..Take a leaf out of my mum’s book.

Its been a hard decision for her to make, imagine up-rooting yourself, moving to a new country, learning how to use Windows 7, making friends all over again, leaving your comfort zone behind and all this , alone… I’m so proud of you mom!

Mum’s who stare at goats…
Forget about telepathic viewing and the new earth army...Enter the mom squad...Mum’s with daughters are probably the best equipped to face anything, maybe there should be a training course for the special forces run by mum’s on how to attack and torture without killing, drawing confessions with a single killer look… titled how to survive raging psycho’s..

A well deserved bollocking…
Creeping back home at all hours of the night and seeing the living room lights on…Oh! Oh!...you know what that meant..Make sure clothes are in place, mints in the mouth, traces of anything incriminating (and boy in those days everything was) are removed…defiance in place…ok, lets face the music… God, how I hated the calls demanding when I was going to get home…cut to 2006, Arshia stressing because Guillaume hasn’t called to tell her he’s ok.
I tend to forget sometimes that I don’t know best…and I’m so glad my mum keeps reminding me that my 30 something years of ‘living’ is nothing compared to 50 plus years of ‘experiencing’ ..
I guess we’ve finally reached an age where we listen and not hear them out, and it amazes me how she knows everything I’ve been up to, even though I thought I was being oh so subtle and smart …ha,ha,ha…another lesson learned. Mum’s are all knowing and all seeing…The pieces of mind (advice) I got the other night are probably worth months of therapy and strips of Prozac.Thanks mom for saving the UK Govt a fortune in health care! You deserve a purple cross for that.

John of arc
Courage, fortitude, integrity and humour….Few of the many things I’ve learnt from my mommy…after raising two girls and a boy plus umpteen moody dogs. Add masochism to the list and you’ve just described my brother…who I’m so proud to say is one of the most solid and dependable people on earth, no surprises after growing up in a family of girls and having to survive the tears, screaming matches and PMS. Then he goes and buys himself a female puppy after all that …martyr…hmmm…perhaps.

Deportation…
My cousin Farah and I were not easy girls to raise...my brother, well he's always been pretty low maintenance and I like to think he benefited from being ignored. If you’ve read my blog, I guess you can imagine that I’m not the most simple of people. Add rebellion, individualism and self-destructive instincts to that…welcome to my life! Which is probably why I got expelled from college and then subsequently deported to the UK by my mum. That must have been the hardest decision to make, because it could have gone either way…imagine sending a rather de-ranged teen away to a country where’s she’s totally unsupervised, where everything is allowed and that to, to persue an education…Did I mention my mum’s a gambler too? That’s probably what saved my life….and thank you mum for that and all the times you bailed me out financially…

Awards and rewards..
Cut to 1996…my mum’s been nominated business woman of the year! There we are, my brother and I, at the awards ceremony in New Delhi, watching my mum receiving her award from the chief minister of the state. What a proud moment…and there have been so many of those mom. You are an inspiration and my bench mark in everything I do…Cut to 2006, Arshia receives an award for a campaign, and all she can think of is, I hope I’ve made my mom proud!

Escapism 1.1
My mom loves doing cross words…maybe all mom’s love doing cross words. Perhaps its got something to do with having that one hour to yourself, when its ok to be dead to the world, including complaining kids…Escapism 1.1

Phone bills from hell…
Note to self…install skype on every computer in the house, when you have brats of your own. Remember hours of clinging on to the phone whispering sweet nothings to boy friends or gossiping with girl friend who you’ve met an hour ago and spent the whole day with? Guess who foot the bill? and spent hours trying to get through becasue there was just one phone line in the house...Remember phone calls from every part of the world asking mom to call back so you can have a long rant, melt down or spend hours silent just becasue you don't 'feel' like talking? God shoot the person who invented ‘collect calls’ and yes I do believe in karma. It is going to come back to bite me in the ass, I can almost feel the teeth marks...

Learning to like ‘alone’
I can think back to my mum watching TV eating dinner by herself when the prodigal child returns from a night out in the town, even though she’s just back for a couple of weeks of vacation…I guess its not hard when you’ve been alone for so long, because the most important thing in your life are making sure your children are ok and that’s all that’s ever mattered over and above all else. Thank you mum for teaching me generosity…and you have so much of that…

I can go on forever, the list if endless, so many memories and so much more to look forward to. All I want to say to my mum and mum’s everywhere is that we love you and respect you for everything you are…, there are times that you’ve felt like you could have done things differently, but look around you, your children are a tribute to you, all we aspire to is to be like you…

Good luck mummy! Make me proud yet again!

I’m Indian and I’m …(still trying to figure it out)..

Don’t feed the lift man...
On my list of the most mind numbing, soul destroying careers in the world, the first place goes to the most boring profession in the world…the lift man. Imagine if all you ever did all day was sit or stand in a lift and press buttons for people all day? That’s what the lift man does…did I say ALL DAY? You have these poor souls in every building in ever Indian city. Except the British high commission in New Delhi according to a trusted source, who shall not be named, who's informed me that there's a notice in the lift saying that if you ever feel ‘panicly’ when stuck in the lift, to call the lift man...hmmm.... And yes this is in the British high commission, was the English language invented in 'the' England? Suspect?

We are like this only…
No ya, yes da, why ra, how yaar, yes no, like that only, go man….that how it is I say. Welcome to Indian English or Indish as its commonly known. Want to emphasize a point? Then don’t forget to stress on the verb thrice …I ate,ate,ate i.e I ate a lot. Not all communication needs to be verbal ... we don’t very handy when you dont like saying No to anything, even though you have no intention of ever doing it.The solution, An ear to shoulder movement of the head, on both sides which could mean yes, no or maybe. Its up to you to figure our what or just give it some time and you’ll find out for yourself…

Ever heard of IST? Indian standard time…which basically means GMT +1 …in lay men’s terms, the time you agreed to meet plus one hour…because that’s how long it will take for us to get there..Punctuality? whats that yaar? the new pub down the street?

We love talking especially in deafening decibel levels even though in a country of 1.8 billion you're bound to be heard by some one or something. Yelling on the phone is normal too, its only because it’s a long distance call...the louder the voice the further the distance… It’s a big country for God’s sake…


Vite, vite, vite (fast, fast,fast)
Urban angst…something we all suffer from when we live in big cities. We’re all hamsters running like crazy in our little wheels…getting on with the business of living…and yes, there is such a thing as instant gratification. We want things to happen fast! After all who knows whether we’re going to be around tomorrow…fatalism 1.1. We tend to extend this mind set to everything we do, including relationships,the basis of our existence...Welcome to the ‘arranged marriage’ a timeless Indian institution and the crux of every self respecting Bollywood script. It all starts off with identifying the puppy you want from the litter, then comes the photograph...pass the shallow test then its step two, the first meeting...usually with the whole family around...does what it says on the pack... Congratulations, you've made it to level 3... e-mailing and talking for about a month or so. It goes pretty quickly from there, so lets collapse 4 and 5 into one...getting engaged in the third month and married in month 6. After all, why waste time? The couple have their whole lives to get to know each other so why bother with the niceisities? After all the price is right. Pedigree paper checks... done. purity..in place,horoscope...checked and matched. family income situation and bank balance... investigated. Family connections, ratified…, reputation ...savory ..what more do you need anyways. All engines are go!

Now extend that to relationships. You meet someone today, fall in love tomorrow, you’re ‘going around’ in a week and playing happy families soon after… why bother playing the cat and mouse game when everything s going to be cloak and dagger anyways? Its not like you’ll be ever allowed to be seen together in public, live together, go on holidays, stay over etc etc…Its going to be pretty rare having time together in the same post code and you can forget about taking the car for a test drive …you’ll need to take your chances with that one …time is of the essence my friends, in everything we do…except that...S.E.X! Relationships are all important especially with friends and family…the mantra thats drilled into all of us...love me, love my baggage. Which is probably why all hell breaks lose if you're 'caught' i.e. the parents find out... you’re going to be walking up the aisle before you can say ‘Oh yes!’…If all else fails pull a Romeo and Juliet, lose the family honor and you’re chances of being accepted in society until the next scandal comes along and then kiss and make up once the first child is born

This probably explains why even after 7.65 years I’m still getting my head around the Western construct of relationships and courtship. The need to take things ‘slowly’ when in all likelihood you’re going be subjected to the crash test probably after the first couple of dates anyways… I’m guessing the ‘getting to know each other better’ refers to the neck upwards then? Perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase because there’s less baggage to worry about…who cares if the parents hate you? You’re probably going to meet them when it’s too late…society, whats that?
So when do you let the barriers drop and whats wrong with being warm and open? Surely that’s a good thing and not a ‘clingy’ thing? When do you get to go to bed without make up on? When is it ok to be around him when you’re sick as a dog? When is it ok to land up at his place unannounced? When does it become ok to use his razor to shave your legs or not shave your legs at all, as the case may be? When is it ok to coo at babies and not have him panic and run a mile? When is it ok to automatically click the ‘2 adults’ button when booking a holiday which is 6 months away and not have to take a gamble or make a note to self to work extra hard to get that bonus because you’re going to need it to make up for the money you might lose?...So much to learn at the tender age of 30 something…You know what they say… Lucky in love, unlucky in cards…that’s probably why I make a fortune at cards…Vegas here I come!

Doing what families do best...

Doing what families do best…

You cant live with them, you cant live without them…so true of all relationships, families included. Get off the plane and into an argument, a bit unnerving when you’re in self-obsessed mode even though the argument is about not having called home enough…arrive home and get into another argument…this time about not eating enough…Its funny that the people who care about you the most are also the people who are the most intrusive. Is this culturally motivated? ‘Actions speak louder than words’ they say…what if it’s a mixture of the two? Loud actions and even louder words? The underlying factor though is always love and concern…how can one resent that?

Family meals, another classic battle ground…all the cousins, nephews and nieces arrive. Wonder where the ‘mute’ button is? Everyone wants to know what everyone is up to. But no one wants to listen. Yes we all love the sounds of our own voices. Dishes passed around,, compliments to the cook, seconds and sometimes thirds while talking about diets. Plates cleared, appetites satiated, faith in relationships restored …

Goldfish or elephants…never the twain shall meet
I think it’s a phenomenon that afflicts those with kids and those without. The one’s with, are the goldfish and for all the right reasons. There’s way too much to occupy them than petty arguments that happened over things that one cant recall anymore. Then there’s the one’s without, who, for some reason never forget .. or forgive as the case may be. Maybe there is some virtue in having children after all…

Weddings or the lack of
Weddings …a time of celebration and more importantly, reunions. They crawl out of the wood work, relatives you haven’t seen for years. Close family come loaded with gifts and good cheer. Then theres the occasional scandal or two. Where are the bride and groom? Who cares! Indian weddings are an event that’s more for the family then for the people getting married…as long as they show up, that’s what counts. If they decide to pull a runner then its even better because the wedding will go down in the history books. The battle for bathrooms, bed rooms and cars is never ending…its all about seniority and intimidation…the older or scarier you are…the better the chances…

Bone collectors
Muslim weddings are famed for Biryani and bad manners. The concept of eating in a plate and not around it is still alien. Enter the bone collectors…you know they’ve come and gone because of the huge collection of bones piled next to the plate. Then theres the gate crashers…there is something called a free meal in India. Its quite easy to become a part of a 1000 strong audience as long as you look like a Christmas tree

Smile like you mean it
The bride and groom are strategically placed on a stage while a constant stream of guests climb up to the podium, stand next to the couple and get their photographs taken. Finger up means yes take the photograph, finger down means, don’t bother, they’re not worth the paper its going to be printed on. The gifts pile up…lava lamps to china you’ll never use. Its all in the giving and the receiving ...smile like you mean it. So that’s smile x1000 people = lock jaw. 99% of who you don't know or probably wont care about in ..give and take ..5 minutes. Guess thats what happens in a country of 1.8 billion, 1000's just a ...drop in the ocean ...

For better of worse, you choose your friends and not your family...I'm sure there's some method to the madness. I love mine with all my heart ... Here today, gone tomorrow...lets live, love and laugh with all we've got...that my friends is called gaining perspective ..finally!