Don’t feed the lift man...
On my list of the most mind numbing, soul destroying careers in the world, the first place goes to the most boring profession in the world…the lift man. Imagine if all you ever did all day was sit or stand in a lift and press buttons for people all day? That’s what the lift man does…did I say ALL DAY? You have these poor souls in every building in ever Indian city. Except the British high commission in New Delhi according to a trusted source, who shall not be named, who's informed me that there's a notice in the lift saying that if you ever feel ‘panicly’ when stuck in the lift, to call the lift man...hmmm.... And yes this is in the British high commission, was the English language invented in 'the' England? Suspect?
We are like this only…
No ya, yes da, why ra, how yaar, yes no, like that only, go man….that how it is I say. Welcome to Indian English or Indish as its commonly known. Want to emphasize a point? Then don’t forget to stress on the verb thrice …I ate,ate,ate i.e I ate a lot. Not all communication needs to be verbal ... we don’t very handy when you dont like saying No to anything, even though you have no intention of ever doing it.The solution, An ear to shoulder movement of the head, on both sides which could mean yes, no or maybe. Its up to you to figure our what or just give it some time and you’ll find out for yourself…
Ever heard of IST? Indian standard time…which basically means GMT +1 …in lay men’s terms, the time you agreed to meet plus one hour…because that’s how long it will take for us to get there..Punctuality? whats that yaar? the new pub down the street?
We love talking especially in deafening decibel levels even though in a country of 1.8 billion you're bound to be heard by some one or something. Yelling on the phone is normal too, its only because it’s a long distance call...the louder the voice the further the distance… It’s a big country for God’s sake…
Vite, vite, vite (fast, fast,fast)
Urban angst…something we all suffer from when we live in big cities. We’re all hamsters running like crazy in our little wheels…getting on with the business of living…and yes, there is such a thing as instant gratification. We want things to happen fast! After all who knows whether we’re going to be around tomorrow…fatalism 1.1. We tend to extend this mind set to everything we do, including relationships,the basis of our existence...Welcome to the ‘arranged marriage’ a timeless Indian institution and the crux of every self respecting Bollywood script. It all starts off with identifying the puppy you want from the litter, then comes the photograph...pass the shallow test then its step two, the first meeting...usually with the whole family around...does what it says on the pack... Congratulations, you've made it to level 3... e-mailing and talking for about a month or so. It goes pretty quickly from there, so lets collapse 4 and 5 into one...getting engaged in the third month and married in month 6. After all, why waste time? The couple have their whole lives to get to know each other so why bother with the niceisities? After all the price is right. Pedigree paper checks... done. purity..in place,horoscope...checked and matched. family income situation and bank balance... investigated. Family connections, ratified…, reputation ...savory ..what more do you need anyways. All engines are go!
Now extend that to relationships. You meet someone today, fall in love tomorrow, you’re ‘going around’ in a week and playing happy families soon after… why bother playing the cat and mouse game when everything s going to be cloak and dagger anyways? Its not like you’ll be ever allowed to be seen together in public, live together, go on holidays, stay over etc etc…Its going to be pretty rare having time together in the same post code and you can forget about taking the car for a test drive …you’ll need to take your chances with that one …time is of the essence my friends, in everything we do…except that...S.E.X! Relationships are all important especially with friends and family…the mantra thats drilled into all of us...love me, love my baggage. Which is probably why all hell breaks lose if you're 'caught' i.e. the parents find out... you’re going to be walking up the aisle before you can say ‘Oh yes!’…If all else fails pull a Romeo and Juliet, lose the family honor and you’re chances of being accepted in society until the next scandal comes along and then kiss and make up once the first child is born
This probably explains why even after 7.65 years I’m still getting my head around the Western construct of relationships and courtship. The need to take things ‘slowly’ when in all likelihood you’re going be subjected to the crash test probably after the first couple of dates anyways… I’m guessing the ‘getting to know each other better’ refers to the neck upwards then? Perhaps it’s all in the thrill of the chase because there’s less baggage to worry about…who cares if the parents hate you? You’re probably going to meet them when it’s too late…society, whats that?
So when do you let the barriers drop and whats wrong with being warm and open? Surely that’s a good thing and not a ‘clingy’ thing? When do you get to go to bed without make up on? When is it ok to be around him when you’re sick as a dog? When is it ok to land up at his place unannounced? When does it become ok to use his razor to shave your legs or not shave your legs at all, as the case may be? When is it ok to coo at babies and not have him panic and run a mile? When is it ok to automatically click the ‘2 adults’ button when booking a holiday which is 6 months away and not have to take a gamble or make a note to self to work extra hard to get that bonus because you’re going to need it to make up for the money you might lose?...So much to learn at the tender age of 30 something…You know what they say… Lucky in love, unlucky in cards…that’s probably why I make a fortune at cards…Vegas here I come!
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